[The Korea Daily-USC: Healing California Project]
On March 16, The Korea Daily hosted the “Korean American Parent-Teenager Mental Health Roundtable: Understanding Each Other’s Minds” with the National Youth Community Center (NYCC), a Korean-American youth service organization.
The Korean-American youth panel represented the views of 1.5 to second generations. The Korean parent panel shared the thoughts of first-generation immigrant parents. The purpose of the event was to shed light on the value and conflict between first-generation immigrant parents and second-generation children and to broaden intergenerational understanding.
The youth and parents did not narrow the gap between them. The children were grateful for their parents’ dedication but resented their lack of interest in life outside of school. Parents, on the other hand, were unwavering in their belief that their children should study first to become well-rooted in the United States. We asked panels to share their honest stories.
Attendee List Youth Panel: Kim Ilun (Crescenta Valley High School 12th grade, immigrated to the US at age 13), Olivia So (Harvard-Westlake 11th grade, 2nd-Generation), Ian Hong (Loyola High School 11th grade, 2nd-Generation), Alexandria Jung (Granada Hills Charter School 11th grade, 2nd-Generation), Grace Song (Walter Reed Middle School 6th grade, 2nd-Generation)
Parent Panel: Yang Yujin (children in 11th grade, homemaker), Julia Jung (children in college 1st year, 10th grade, 5th grade, social worker), Song Inseo (child in 6th grade, pastor), Lydia Yoon (children in 8th grade, 2nd grade, self-employed)
The Biggest Stress: Studying
Ian Hong: “Korean parents usually put a lot of pressure on their kids to study, and I hate the culture of comparing myself to my peers. I understand that they emphasize studying because our first-generation parents grew up in a difficult situation and they don’t want us to pass that on to us, but my non-Korean friends have a lot of freedom and time to play at school, and if I hang out with my friends even once, my parents tell me to stop playing and study.”
Alexandria Jung: “I wish Korean parents would trust their kids more. Even if I spend four or five hours studying in the library with my friends, my mom will say, ‘Did you go out with your friends?’ It makes me feel resentful.”
Julia Jung: “When my child meets a friend, the first thing I ask is, ‘Is s/he good at studying?’ If the friend is good at studying, it’s okay. But if my child’s friend is not good at studying and misbehaving, I get nervous.”
Lydia Yoon: “Students should fulfill the duty of doing well in school. As a kid of minority, I consistently advise my children, ‘If you excel in your studies and possess the necessary skills, you’ll have the freedom to pursue your desired career anywhere,’ and ‘your academic achievements will influence your ability to follow your chosen path in the future.'”
My friends vs. your friends
Julia Jung: “My first and second children are both daughters. I feel worried when Korean-American kids dress strangely. When I think my daughter is influenced by her friends, I say, ‘Maybe you should stay away from her a little bit. In Korea, if you show your belly button or wear a tank top to school, you’re labeled as a delinquent or a troublemaker.'”
Ian Hong: “Korean parents often ask, ‘What country is that kid from?’ I don’t really understand why they ask like that.”
Lydia Yoon: “I’m a little biased. I feel worried when my child hangs out with friends from immigrant families from countries with difficult economic and social conditions.”
Olivia So: “My American friends come from different backgrounds, and they are loved by their parents. I wish my Korean parents would be more open-minded about my friends.”
Talking back vs. asking questions
Kim Ilun: “In Korea, we are taught to be polite to adults and are taught through indoctrination, so our parents think of talking back as disrespect or rebellion. We want to ask questions and talk to them. In the U.S., parents and children are more equal, like friends, and there are no prejudices. My American friends talk back to their parents a lot, and American parents listen to their children.”
Julia Jung: “I feel like my child is rebelling when I hear them talking back to me. I want them to do what I tell them to do.”
Ian Hong: “Koreans emphasize table manners. Eating quietly and not talking has become a habit. Even at school, I usually don’t say anything. I once went to a friend’s house in the U.S. and was jealous when I saw my friend talking a lot with his parents while eating. I wish we could do that at home.”
Lydia Yoon: “My kids are very opinionated. Even if I say it is right, they keep arguing back, so we end up arguing with each other, which leads to a bad relationship. Later on, I realized that my children are getting an American education (that emphasizes expression).”
Song Inseo: “When my kids talk back to me, I sometimes say, ‘Mom and Dad are not your friends.’ My wife and I were international students when we first met. It’s a little difficult for us to teach them American-style parenting because we don’t have the experience of American teenage life.”
Alexandria Jung: “I think we have a different ‘mindset’ than Korean parents as Korean parents think they are above their children, but in the American style, everyone is ‘equal.’ When we talk back, it’s not about arguing, it’s about communicating with each other. If my parents say something, I express my opinion about it.”
What kids want to say to their parents
Olivia So: “No matter what we talk about, my dad tries to give me too much advice, and my mom doesn’t have the empathy to understand my feelings.”
Alexandria Jung: “Korean parents don’t really try to understand our situation, sometimes it’s like talking to a wall. I wish they would listen to what kids are saying instead of trying to give solutions. I wish they would say ‘Just listen!’ and then ask me about my friends and what happened to me today.”
Ian Hong: “We’re not just machines that study every day, we want to talk about life with our parents, not just study, we want them to ask us how we’re doing, what we’re happy to do, and we want them to care, because it’s fun to talk about sports with my dad, and we don’t want them to force us to be what they want us to be, we want them to let us live our dreams and our life.”
Kim Ilun: “When we talk about what we’ve been through, I wish they would empathize with us instead of judging us, asking, ‘How was it for you? I’m glad you had that experience.'”
What parents want to say to their children
Julia Jung: “Non-Korean moms eating with their child usually talk about work and school. But Korean and other Asian parents are more interested in studying. If you talk about it while eating, you end up talking about ‘studying and grades.’ Talking with children is a time for parents to nag and interfere. (Laughs) Moms are emotionally judgmental, and dads try to give them solutions. I don’t know if it’s a generational difference or a cultural difference.”
Lydia Yoon: “In America, you have to treat your child as an equal person. But we were educated in Korea and have brought that culture to America. I know but it’s hard to think of them as equals.”
Yang Yujin: “I don’t want my children to go through what I went through. I always worry that my children will go down the wrong path. I hope my kids will follow the faith and interest of their parents.”
Song Inseo: “I would like my children to understand that parents make mistakes, but they love and sacrifice for their children. Asian culture emphasizes family. Please understand and cherish the good culture of the Korean people.”
BY HYOUNGJAE KIM, JUNHAN PARK [kim.ian@koreadaily.com]
